what if i found self-confidence. i have my ups and my downs. i wish i didnt. sometimes i contemplate if the downs are worth the ups. or if the ups are worth the downs. its not your fault, i promise. if anything you’re more responsible for the ups. i think about things too fast sometimes. it inevitably gets me in trouble. my room is messy. i’ve been meaning to clean it. same with my car. its weird to think we’ve been through two cars, 3 different hairstyles, two video games, three hobbies, and countless restaurants. i miss LA. i dont think itd be the same without you. you’re wearing my hoodie, hopefully you’ll remember the significance of the red bird on it and what year they won the NCAA championship haha. im sorry i know too much about you. you’re like a book i couldn’t put down. that composition notebook i bought is barely being used. maybe ill start writing one line a day, starting tomorrow. when i walked out of the counselor’s office she told me i could be an MD one day. hope is a powerful thing. im afraid if i talk too much, someone will hold what i say against me. i should stop thinking like that. i dislike thinking in terms of the “cause and effect” type way, i prefer to just be. or do. no knee jerk response, no deliberation. just pure, unadulterated, instinct. i guess that’s how i could best describe how i felt when i first met you. i didn’t have to think about whether or not you were pretty or if i would love to hold your hand. i just knew. instinct. much like today when i say i love you or i fucking love you. i dont have to think about it, i just know i do.
i’ve always wanted to send someone a postcard. a girl gave me a blank postcard from london yesterday.. maybe i’ll think of a witty one liner and send it to a random address in new york. i feel busy. i’ve always hated complacency and i guess feeling busy is the opposite of that. i bought a composition notebook the other day and its still blank. my thoughts and ideas sound great but feel awful when i see them written out in my handwriting… long beach feels nice. im going to learn how to snowboard this winter, i foresee bruises and soreness from the learning curve. im starting to think maybe i can’t save the world. i can’t even save the both of us. the nice thing about having a little bit more $ is never having to be bored.. yep, alan outta this world.
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